Cold freezing rain outside, smell of logs burning and cracking inside a stone fireplace inside the cozy home. I could smell warm biscuits, potato soup, and pasta served as the meal for the night.
I served the food on the table for some of my family and friends as I walked outside and stood in the pouring rain. As the waters drenched my entire mind, body, and soul, I realized I loved this pouring rain. I loved the cold freezing weather more than the questions waiting for me within the four walls of the cozy room.
Why is it I fear the voices of unasked questions of the known, unknown people more than those of Mother Nature? Here Mother Nature was brewing up a storm outside with freezing rain and thunderstorms. Lightning also had joined in to keep up with the musical chorus. I loved getting drenched and had no fear of getting a cold or being asked any questions that I did not feel like I could answer or wanted to answer.
I walked inside and you know what – I wanted to avoid contacting the eyes of some kind hearts who just knew I was in pain and would know everything even if I did not share anything. This particular pain was caused by yet another strange visit from a neighbor who had a thousand and one questions as to why I was single, why I don’t date, why and how would I spend my days all alone in my later years when there would be no family nor friends who would be here to hold my hands or walk with me through the difficult parts of my life. This neighbor talked on and on trying to place all of my moral behaviors in a bag and throw them out with her advice being thrown at me. I had stayed quiet, just so I could be nice. I had been told how happy she is as her child just got married and her second daughter is dating. She advised me to date. She gave me medical advice too as she knew I was diabetic. She frightened me to a point where I had called my doctors. I broke into a laugh as I told her I controlled my diabetes through exercise and diet. I am now on the borderline. She talked nonstop about her husband, her children, dating, and how she had advised her daughters to date and I should too.
This chat had gone on for a while as I was told it is totally normal to date and break up, then date, and find a nice man. I asked her what if celibacy and religion were the core of my faith, and is it so wrong to live a life like a conservative person?
Is it always if a person is celibate and just conservative, something is wrong with her?
She left saying, oh she has a lot to do. She did not respond, but kept on talking about how it is the normal thing to do.
I was shocked as she did not see the ways of the old and maybe just a soul who is just that different from others, it does not make me any bigger or smaller than the other one. It’s called a personal choice.
I laughed out loud as I thought who knows what she is thinking in her head about me.
I stood in the rain and I cried for a long time to my soulmate. I do believe he is out there somewhere and I believe the mistakes I have made in the past should not be repeated. I believe in repentance as a blessing and a prayer for rejuvenation to awaken the mind, body, and soul. I believe a lot of people like me were thrown into life by our respective family and friends. We ended up in a situation we don’t want to be. If we can walk out of this situation and be on a blessed sacred path, we should know our repentance has been accepted, our prayers have been heard.
Never give up on the hope and blessings The Lord has bestowed upon us through faith and the only thing we all have throughout life, “hope.” No one missed me that cold freezing night. No one knew I was even missing for so long. I wondered would he have missed me, if I truly had a soulmate? I know no one here even realized, so I know he was not even near. I knew my neighbors who had wondered about my celibacy as an obstacle would not even miss me as I have moved out.
The thunders roared outside as they reminded me dawn shall peek through soon.
I laid in bed watching the moon. As I had lighted a candle, I prayed a prayer I had written after I had seen Archangel Michael and Archangel Gabriel in a dream.
“Candles of Hope,” this prayer is in my prayer book , Spiritual Songs: Letters From My Chest.
Blessings from Seattle,